Artful Scheme of Happiness

Happy Cows are Roasted To Death in the Factory Feed Lots of California

If you know me, you know how much I love Wisconsin. And you also know how much I love cows. Add those two facts together and you'll understand how, for years and years, those damned California Cows are Happy Cows ads, straight from the California Malicious Dairy Stereotyping and Bovine Lies Board, have been driving me batty.

This just in: California expects to lose 2% of its dairy cows to the extreme heat this summer. Poor little cowies, baked to death in their own skins. Not so much cows as roast beefs. How happy are those cows now? Huh?

Idiotic Californians. Go back to growing avocados!

posted by art @ 10:23 PM

Because you are an idiot

In my ongoing effort to make sure that my e-mails don't fall into the wrong hands, and because I love society's attempts to point out what is obvious, I have drafted a new signature block for my e-mails. This is what keeps me entertained these days.

Love,
Art

This message (including any attachments, fonts, underlinings and subject lines) might contain confidential information, not to mention b*tchy gossip, intended for a specific individual and purpose, and is protected by law. By what law, I don't know. But I bet there's a law. Don't make me prove it to you because I will drag you into court faster than you can say "poorhouse." If you are not the intended recipient, and it seems doubtful that you are, you should delete this message and then throw your computer out the window. I mean, obviously I am the idiot who sent this e-mail to the wrong person. And that's my fault. But it's your fault for reading it. Any disclosure, copying, or distribution of this message, or the taking of any action based on it, is strictly prohibited. Like, verboten or something. Something suitably German. Basically, if you see my name on an e-mail, don't read it. Maybe set up a rule or something to send anything from my account straight into the deleted folder. Maybe block me as a sender. Whatever it takes. Because like I said: POORHOUSE.

posted by art @ 11:17 AM

1-800-2-DEPENDS

June Allyson died!! Who will be the spokesmodel for Depends Undergarments now? I nominate Lynda Carter.

We used to order free sample after free sample of Depends back in the day. Man, that was fun. We also sent them to all of our friends who, not being nearly as crazy as we were, never knew quite what to make of our largesse (or rather, Kimberly Clark's largesse).

June Allyson. Finally resting in peace rather than in pee.

posted by art @ 11:18 AM