Artful Scheme of Happiness

Alice in Wonderland

I was walking through an especially seedy area downtown the other day. I don't know how I manage to get myself into all these areas (I live in one, which I guess is part of the problem). Anyway, my quest for the perfect gravy boat took me through a seedy area, and that's just how it is. As I was walking, I heard a homeless man talking to his homeless friends. His voice was scratchy from years of smoking, drinking, and sleeping in the cold. And what did he say?

"I suffer from seborrhea, which is a mild form of psoriasis."

I can't vouch for whether or not he was correct about his diagnosis. I just laughed out loud.

Also on this quest for the gravy boat (I found two, and for now own both of them), I gave $20 to a homeless woman who was obviously freezing in the abnormally cold weather we've had lately. I hope she was able to do something useful with it, but I guess it's really none of my business.

posted by art @ 7:06 PM

Would you like a piece of candy?

I sat next to another oddball on the bus last night. I'm not sure if she was a whore or a drug addict or what, exactly. She might even have been in recovery. But she was odd, and it's my duty to report on bus oddness. So let's just say she was a recovering, drug-addicted whore. (She certainly had the eye-makeup for it.)

So, my whore friend sat down next to me and jostled me, which is a NO NO. But she apologized nicely for it, and even offered me a mint from her fur purse (I mean, her purse was made from fur -- she wasn't coming onto me and this isn't like a scene from Priscilla, Queen of the Dessert). I politely declined, even though she pointed out that they were mints from Thirteen Coins (a crappy, twenty-four hour restaurant that charges outrageous prices for bad food). But she had one. She'd put it in her mouth, suck on it for a second or two, squeal, take it out of her mouth and wrap it back up. Then she'd unwrap it and repeat the process. Meanwhile, she was drinking what she told me was a combination of Jolt Cola and espresso out of some battered plastic bottle. And eating little Halloween candies. It was hard for either of us to sit still (her, because of the caffeine-and-sugar cocktail coursing through her veins; me, because I wanted to claw my way out the side of the bus.)

I never actually said a word to her, but she maintained a steady stream of conversation nonetheless. She would interrupt it periodically to say a fervent prayer about the Lord doing something or other, something very nice for her. (She would also interrupt her convo to take another pull off her caffeine drip, or to have a little go at the mint.) She told me that she has a hard time writing English because she writes more naturally in French and Latin. Most whores do, is what I thought. She also told me that she was going home to make a delightful hazelnut ravioli with brown butter. (I had scratched halfway through the metal wall of the bus by this time.) And she's seen a lot of horrendous bus accidents in her time, most of which involve someone's head being crushed by a bus tire. Marvy!

She wished me a nice life when it was finally my time to get off the bus. I suppose you can't ask for any more than that, huh? At least not on my bus, you can't. I hope she enjoyed her ravioli.

posted by art @ 8:37 AM

Hmmm

I'm afraid I still don't know what to say. Over 20% of the states in this country think that I deserve to be discriminated against.

posted by art @ 9:27 PM