Artful Scheme of Happiness

Hero

I suppose you all think of me as a quiet, rather mousy individual who happens to be sick almost all of the time. And I suppose you might be right about that. But today, I am also a hero.

Picture it: my bedroom, 8:00 this morning. There I was, sitting on my bed and typing e-mails to my friends. I was reporting to them how very, VERY sick I am, and how I wouldn't be making it to work today. How I was going to have to stay home and attempt to get over this life-threatening disease. (I need to be healthy for tonight's episode of my favorite show ever, Project Runway.)

So anyway, right. There I was, sitting on my bed watching the world go by (nothing usually goes by my back yard, but I did see a hummingbird the other day. He buzzed up to the window, took a gander at me, and flew away. Pervert). But today was different. A large, criminal-looking man ran through my back yard. The odd thing was that he ran between the houses and was caught up in the tangle of blackberry vines and old fences. I figured he was probably doing "routes," like we used to do when we were little. (We used to run through our neighbors' back yards as though it were something rather grand and dangerous. They probably just thought, "There go those damn kids again. I think the oldest boy has a screw loose.") So I continued to type away because, after all, my friends are very concerned about my health! Then I noticed that the same man, this time sans jacket, ran the other way through the yard. Mysterious.

I am nothing if not intrepid (mousily intrepid, I can hear you say). So I got out of bed and went to look out the window. That's when I noticed all the cops in my back yard. Naturally I thought it was wonderful that I was standing in the window with just my underwear on, staring out at a passel of cops. So I pulled on some pants and went to the front door, where I noticed 500 cop cars, lights ablaze, parked in front of my house. I opened the door and screamed (weakly), "I think the perp left his jacket between the houses!" They screamed back, rather gruffly and a smidge less appreciative than I might have hoped, "Get in your house and lock the door!!" So I shut the door. But I still helped a little more, gesturing through the window at various cops. ("Look between the houses!!") Finally, one of them took the bait and went in. He eventually emerged from the bramble with a jacket in his hand. I am convinced that this jacket, most likely covered in blood, will be Exhibit A in the State's case against Serial Killer Rufus Clumsington III.

I never did hear if my criminal was apprehended. Let's hope that he was. As for me, I have settled back into bed to tend to my health, and to wait for a small commemorative medallion to be sent my way.

posted by art @ 8:25 AM

Hot and heavy

So, I've started the four-week (eight-class) introduction to the Baron Baptiste Power Vinyasa yoga method. I don't know. It involves a room heated to 86 degrees, which is a temperature I have spent almost all of my adult life trying to avoid. We'll see if I can make it through to the end.

A couple of weeks ago, a trainer poked me in the belly while I was doing sit-ups and told me I was getting fat. All of my friends, God bless them, were outraged at the mere thought of it. But in fact he was right, I was gaining a little weight. In my defense, it was the week before Christmas. But still. I could be eating better. I don't necessarily HAVE to have three large cupcakes today. (But I'm going to anyway, because I have to guard against any potential cupcake drought by getting my fill of them RIGHT NOW.)

So here we are, trying to melt away the pounds through prolonged exposure to dangerously high heat. I wonder if it will kill me.

(Meanwhile, my parents are furiously fake-baking themselves in preparation for a two-week trip to St. Lucia. I'm the only one in my family, with the possible exception of my one-year old niece, who can't endure the heat! Oh I feel so alone sometimes....)

posted by art @ 2:47 PM