I am the most boring person in the world
After a two-day orgy of baking (which produced only a cheesecake and a "gateau engadine," sublime though they were), I fell into bed at 9 p.m., and fell fast asleep. On New Year's Eve.
For the second year in a row.
Artful Scheme of Happiness
Monday, December 30, 2002
Thursday, December 26, 2002
Sunday, December 22, 2002
BTW
For those of you keeping track, I have been home for six days. In that time, I have gone to the following places.
Linens -N- Things 1
Bed, Bath and Beyond 1 (but on the same day as above)
grocery store 9
This doesn't seem right to me. Especially since I was in Chicago for two of those six days.
For those of you keeping track, I have been home for six days. In that time, I have gone to the following places.
Linens -N- Things 1
Bed, Bath and Beyond 1 (but on the same day as above)
grocery store 9
This doesn't seem right to me. Especially since I was in Chicago for two of those six days.
I've been around the world and I-I-I, I can't find my baby!
why is it that I am a phenomenal cook when I am in Seattle, but when I come home to visit family and try to delight them with one of my famous recipes, it FALLS FLAT? The inhumanity.
why is it that I am a phenomenal cook when I am in Seattle, but when I come home to visit family and try to delight them with one of my famous recipes, it FALLS FLAT? The inhumanity.
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
jet lag?
Why I am up before 6:00 in the morning? It's not like I have to go shopping yet.
Oh, how I curse thee, Morpheus!
Why I am up before 6:00 in the morning? It's not like I have to go shopping yet.
Oh, how I curse thee, Morpheus!
Monday, December 16, 2002
familiar complaints
So, my flights were long and cramped and more than usually turbulent, but that's not surprising. What is surprising is that I sat next to a woman on the second flight who was wearing a knit jogging suit (perfect for travel). It was accented beautifully with a Ceramic-esque cat pin (Cat in a Basket of Flowers), and the whole outfit conformed stunningly to her generous shape. Heaven.
The most interesting thing is that she spent the entire turbulent flight writing letters on her new Hallmark stationery. (Clearly she had gone shopping at the Mall of America: she had a bag full of new stationery (In A Hundred Years, This Won't Matter -- ha HA!) and pens, and a number of new beanie babies.
So, you know me. Of course I read her letters as she wrote them. They ALL started out "Darlin (sic) Son" or "Darlin (sic) Sister," and they ALL included her sincere apologies for having offended them all. I don't know what exactly went down, but it seems as though she'd something untoward to one or more of her sons and/or their wives. ("My lips on overdrive, my brain on vacation." Naturally I was dying to ask what she'd done, but I refrained.
Oh, it's good to be home!
So, my flights were long and cramped and more than usually turbulent, but that's not surprising. What is surprising is that I sat next to a woman on the second flight who was wearing a knit jogging suit (perfect for travel). It was accented beautifully with a Ceramic-esque cat pin (Cat in a Basket of Flowers), and the whole outfit conformed stunningly to her generous shape. Heaven.
The most interesting thing is that she spent the entire turbulent flight writing letters on her new Hallmark stationery. (Clearly she had gone shopping at the Mall of America: she had a bag full of new stationery (In A Hundred Years, This Won't Matter -- ha HA!) and pens, and a number of new beanie babies.
So, you know me. Of course I read her letters as she wrote them. They ALL started out "Darlin (sic) Son" or "Darlin (sic) Sister," and they ALL included her sincere apologies for having offended them all. I don't know what exactly went down, but it seems as though she'd something untoward to one or more of her sons and/or their wives. ("My lips on overdrive, my brain on vacation." Naturally I was dying to ask what she'd done, but I refrained.
Oh, it's good to be home!
Leaving, on a jet plane
don't know when I'll be back again...
I leave for the old homestead today. I don't look forward to the flight or the time in the airports, but I can't wait to see everyone at home! Now I just have to hurry up and pack my bags.
don't know when I'll be back again...
I leave for the old homestead today. I don't look forward to the flight or the time in the airports, but I can't wait to see everyone at home! Now I just have to hurry up and pack my bags.
Friday, December 13, 2002
Like sand through the hourglass...
You know what I find entertaining lately? Watching the moles (or as I like to call them, malignant melanoma) skate across my body like frost on a windowpane. They dance, they leap, they multiply and divide. They blush, get angry, then calm down. It's very interesting.
From the cancer ward, Moley Russell's wart
You know what I find entertaining lately? Watching the moles (or as I like to call them, malignant melanoma) skate across my body like frost on a windowpane. They dance, they leap, they multiply and divide. They blush, get angry, then calm down. It's very interesting.
From the cancer ward, Moley Russell's wart
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Heads will roll!
Is it just me, or does anyone else think that Laurie Woodruff Ebert Mosher looks EXACTLY like Madame LaFarge? Give her a pair of knitting needles and set her in front of a guillotine and you'll see what I mean.
So, I think her prison sentence is perfectly fair (30 months, for those who care). I'm a little disappointed that she isn't going to be executed, but that's mostly because she was the world's worst forensics coach. The thing I don't understand, though, is her supporters' total disregard for the fact that she committed a CRIME.
“Absolutely shocked. It sends the wrong message.” -- Kevin Musolf, Mosher's attorney. YES, people should never be sentenced to prison for their crimes. It confuses EVERYONE.
“I think she was treated more harshly by being a female. If it had been a male teacher and a female student, I don’t think it (the sentence) would have come out as harsh.” -- Kevin Musolf, genius attorney. Now come on, I know you're posturing for the appellate court, but are you kidding me? If it had been a male teacher (say, a blond history teacher) and a female student, the teacher would have been disembowelled and left to die in a grocery store parking lot by a group of vigilantes. If the teacher had survived and been brought to trial, he would have gotten a LONGER SENTENCE!
“I’m just thankful that I’m not being judged for things I did that – for lack of a better word – were stupid.” -- Rory Moxon, supporter. Yes, me too. Except if any of the stupid things I'd done were ACTUAL CRIMES, then perhaps I would understand that I deserved what I got.
Now that this is over (until the appeal), we can get back to more important things. Like, what's up with Lorelai Gilmore's hair?
Is it just me, or does anyone else think that Laurie Woodruff Ebert Mosher looks EXACTLY like Madame LaFarge? Give her a pair of knitting needles and set her in front of a guillotine and you'll see what I mean.
So, I think her prison sentence is perfectly fair (30 months, for those who care). I'm a little disappointed that she isn't going to be executed, but that's mostly because she was the world's worst forensics coach. The thing I don't understand, though, is her supporters' total disregard for the fact that she committed a CRIME.
“Absolutely shocked. It sends the wrong message.” -- Kevin Musolf, Mosher's attorney. YES, people should never be sentenced to prison for their crimes. It confuses EVERYONE.
“I think she was treated more harshly by being a female. If it had been a male teacher and a female student, I don’t think it (the sentence) would have come out as harsh.” -- Kevin Musolf, genius attorney. Now come on, I know you're posturing for the appellate court, but are you kidding me? If it had been a male teacher (say, a blond history teacher) and a female student, the teacher would have been disembowelled and left to die in a grocery store parking lot by a group of vigilantes. If the teacher had survived and been brought to trial, he would have gotten a LONGER SENTENCE!
“I’m just thankful that I’m not being judged for things I did that – for lack of a better word – were stupid.” -- Rory Moxon, supporter. Yes, me too. Except if any of the stupid things I'd done were ACTUAL CRIMES, then perhaps I would understand that I deserved what I got.
Now that this is over (until the appeal), we can get back to more important things. Like, what's up with Lorelai Gilmore's hair?
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Give her the chair!
Today, convicted child molester Laurie Woodruff Ebert Mosher is to be sentenced for her crimes. So of course it makes sense that the Oshkosh Northwestern would run an article on the subject. Luckily for me, the Northwestern was kind enough to include snippets of letters written to the court in defense of this pervert.
May I just say that the incredible illiteracy, not to mention the utter lack of ability to reason, displayed by her Christian friends just makes my day? The best line of all: "[jail time for Mosher] would not unduly depreciate the seriousness of the offense." What does that even mean? Are dictionaries and thesauruses no longer available to the general public? Was the woman who wrote this DRUNK?
FURTHERMORE, William and Sharon Steffen, letter writers extraordinaire, should be ashamed of themselves (and not just for their inability to speak English). The Northwestern reports that the Steffens wrote the following in their letter: “Serious errors in judgment are not to be overlooked, however, it is important that the whole person be considered. One error in judgment, however serious it may be, should not be the only standard a person is judged by.” Right. Right. Only didn't we learn that this was NOT her only "error in judgment?" Didn't we learn that she had an affair with a student ten years ago (for which she could not be prosecuted because the statute of limitations had passed)? Don't we know that she is a sleazy, two-bit whore who is not above giving alcohol to minors (me)?
Laurie Woodruff Ebert Mosher's life is composed of a SERIES of bad judgments. She needs a good fifty years in solitary to try and sort these things out. (Plus, BONUS!, think of all the time she could spend talking with THE LORD!)
Today, convicted child molester Laurie Woodruff Ebert Mosher is to be sentenced for her crimes. So of course it makes sense that the Oshkosh Northwestern would run an article on the subject. Luckily for me, the Northwestern was kind enough to include snippets of letters written to the court in defense of this pervert.
May I just say that the incredible illiteracy, not to mention the utter lack of ability to reason, displayed by her Christian friends just makes my day? The best line of all: "[jail time for Mosher] would not unduly depreciate the seriousness of the offense." What does that even mean? Are dictionaries and thesauruses no longer available to the general public? Was the woman who wrote this DRUNK?
FURTHERMORE, William and Sharon Steffen, letter writers extraordinaire, should be ashamed of themselves (and not just for their inability to speak English). The Northwestern reports that the Steffens wrote the following in their letter: “Serious errors in judgment are not to be overlooked, however, it is important that the whole person be considered. One error in judgment, however serious it may be, should not be the only standard a person is judged by.” Right. Right. Only didn't we learn that this was NOT her only "error in judgment?" Didn't we learn that she had an affair with a student ten years ago (for which she could not be prosecuted because the statute of limitations had passed)? Don't we know that she is a sleazy, two-bit whore who is not above giving alcohol to minors (me)?
Laurie Woodruff Ebert Mosher's life is composed of a SERIES of bad judgments. She needs a good fifty years in solitary to try and sort these things out. (Plus, BONUS!, think of all the time she could spend talking with THE LORD!)
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Anecdote
As I was reading my own blog (as I am often wont to do), I realized that I may have misspelled "ambience" in my last post. I was inordinately worried that I may have had a misspelled word on my blog for almost twenty-four hours (misspelled words drive me bonkers), so I rushed to the dictionary, opened it, and what word was the first to catch my eye?
Anality, which more or less means anal retentive.
In conclusion, both "ambience" and "ambiance" are correct spellings of the word.
As I was reading my own blog (as I am often wont to do), I realized that I may have misspelled "ambience" in my last post. I was inordinately worried that I may have had a misspelled word on my blog for almost twenty-four hours (misspelled words drive me bonkers), so I rushed to the dictionary, opened it, and what word was the first to catch my eye?
Anality, which more or less means anal retentive.
In conclusion, both "ambience" and "ambiance" are correct spellings of the word.
Monday, December 09, 2002
Quote du jour
"I'm too old for ambience; I need bright light."
-- a 50-yr. old woman wandering through the ugly lamp section of Pottery Barn
"I'm too old for ambience; I need bright light."
-- a 50-yr. old woman wandering through the ugly lamp section of Pottery Barn
Oh, the humanity!
I am afraid that the great experiment in growing out my hair will end in total failure.
Why, oh why, can't I have beautiful, shiny, smooth and lustrous DARK HAIR? No, I'm cursed with strand after strand after endless strand of frizzy dishwater blond hair. Yesterday, before I could leave for the mall (G*d knows why I thought it might be interesting to go to the mall -- but that's another story), it took me a full 30 minutes to tame my hair down to a manageable (read: non-laughable) size.
So here's my plea to you, my loyal readers: if you see some guy all pimped out with a crazy albino afro, don't laugh, it might be me.
Of course, as with all things bad, I blame my mother for this.
I am afraid that the great experiment in growing out my hair will end in total failure.
Why, oh why, can't I have beautiful, shiny, smooth and lustrous DARK HAIR? No, I'm cursed with strand after strand after endless strand of frizzy dishwater blond hair. Yesterday, before I could leave for the mall (G*d knows why I thought it might be interesting to go to the mall -- but that's another story), it took me a full 30 minutes to tame my hair down to a manageable (read: non-laughable) size.
So here's my plea to you, my loyal readers: if you see some guy all pimped out with a crazy albino afro, don't laugh, it might be me.
Of course, as with all things bad, I blame my mother for this.
Friday, December 06, 2002
I think I'll go eat worms
And in other news, St. Nicholas passed my house right on by. So did Black Peter, Knecht Ruprecht, Pere Fouettard, and (worst of all) Hoesecker. APPARENTLY (and I don't say this to upset you), no one loves me. Either that or I was exceptionally naughty this year. Hmmm.
And in other news, St. Nicholas passed my house right on by. So did Black Peter, Knecht Ruprecht, Pere Fouettard, and (worst of all) Hoesecker. APPARENTLY (and I don't say this to upset you), no one loves me. Either that or I was exceptionally naughty this year. Hmmm.
Pick me up
When you're down, and troubled, and you need a helping hand ... you should visit the datalounge gossip forum. The kids over there are always good for a few laughs. They seem to especially hate one Star Jones, which of course makes my day.
Other good news: someone found my blog by searching for "pictures of chocolate chip cookies." Let me assure you, if there had been pictures of cookies around here, I would have eaten them.
When you're down, and troubled, and you need a helping hand ... you should visit the datalounge gossip forum. The kids over there are always good for a few laughs. They seem to especially hate one Star Jones, which of course makes my day.
Other good news: someone found my blog by searching for "pictures of chocolate chip cookies." Let me assure you, if there had been pictures of cookies around here, I would have eaten them.
Thursday, December 05, 2002
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
Mental Illness Update
Just so you know, I am an Overeater. There, now it's out in the open. I visited the Overeaters Anonymous website today, took their test, and the results are in. (I answered yes to SEVEN of the questions ... and they say you're probably an overeater if you can answer yes to THREE.)
I don't know what to do. I never thought this would happen to me!
Calm down, deep breaths. Baby steps. You just need to take twelve baby steps.
Just so you know, I am an Overeater. There, now it's out in the open. I visited the Overeaters Anonymous website today, took their test, and the results are in. (I answered yes to SEVEN of the questions ... and they say you're probably an overeater if you can answer yes to THREE.)
I don't know what to do. I never thought this would happen to me!
Calm down, deep breaths. Baby steps. You just need to take twelve baby steps.
Thou Shalt Not Speak English
Star Jones sent me an e-mail today, and now I'm in heaven.
Yesterday I visited Star's website, just to see what was shakin', and I noticed that one of her mottoes is "Thou shall not pay retail." So of course I had to write to her and point out that she should have written "Thou Shalt...." Apparently her fancy law school edumacation didn't include a review of Middle English. To my great joy and amazement, she wrote me back. (Is Mr. Zellmer of the Oshkosh Northwestern taking notes?)
Dear Artful Scheme,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me and share your thoughts.
Please allow me to tell you how thankful I am for the gifts that God has
bestowed upon my family. I consider my life to be a continuous blessing every
single day. It fills my heart with joy that you enjoy my work on television as
much as I enjoy doing it. I am often asked to offer words of advice to people
who are facing individual struggles, changing careers or just could use some
encouraging words: My advice is always the same: Be the author of the only
dictionary that defines you...nothing and no one can stop you if you really want
to achieve something. Let Go and Let God...When you don't know what to do
and where to go...God can lift you and carry you to the next phase of your life.
This advice works, it is how I have achieved everything in my life.
Please visit me often at my website: www.starjones.com for updates, promotions
and additional information.
Finally, I'll leave you with this thought for the day: LIVE LIFE AND ENJOY ALL
THE BLESSINGS IT HAS TO OFFER.
Best wishes to you and to your family.
Star Jones
Right back atcha, Starlet!
Star Jones sent me an e-mail today, and now I'm in heaven.
Yesterday I visited Star's website, just to see what was shakin', and I noticed that one of her mottoes is "Thou shall not pay retail." So of course I had to write to her and point out that she should have written "Thou Shalt...." Apparently her fancy law school edumacation didn't include a review of Middle English. To my great joy and amazement, she wrote me back. (Is Mr. Zellmer of the Oshkosh Northwestern taking notes?)
Dear Artful Scheme,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me and share your thoughts.
Please allow me to tell you how thankful I am for the gifts that God has
bestowed upon my family. I consider my life to be a continuous blessing every
single day. It fills my heart with joy that you enjoy my work on television as
much as I enjoy doing it. I am often asked to offer words of advice to people
who are facing individual struggles, changing careers or just could use some
encouraging words: My advice is always the same: Be the author of the only
dictionary that defines you...nothing and no one can stop you if you really want
to achieve something. Let Go and Let God...When you don't know what to do
and where to go...God can lift you and carry you to the next phase of your life.
This advice works, it is how I have achieved everything in my life.
Please visit me often at my website: www.starjones.com for updates, promotions
and additional information.
Finally, I'll leave you with this thought for the day: LIVE LIFE AND ENJOY ALL
THE BLESSINGS IT HAS TO OFFER.
Best wishes to you and to your family.
Star Jones
Right back atcha, Starlet!
Monday, December 02, 2002
Visiting The Elderly
I went out with a friend the other night, and because we're two hip, happening guys on the cutting edge, we thought we'd check out a bar we'd never been to before. And since we've checked out all the gay bars in the city, we thought we'd go listen to some live music at The Tractor Tavern.
So, here's my dilemma. Have you ever felt more like an anthropologist and less (or not at all) like a patron when you go someplace new? I mean, I felt perfectly comfortable being there (the crowd was sort of neo-hippy, crunch enviromentalist). And the music was superb (the band describes it as "seismic gypsy hypno-jazz"). But I couldn't get into the swaying and the flailing of the audience, and I felt like the dispassionate observer of another culture. (Since when do audience members stand in perfectly straight lines before the stage, shaking like a preacher speaking tongues? Why is every man wearing a wool cap on his head? For that matter, did every girl there raid Nieka A.'s high school closet for those skirts? Should I be high to enjoy this? When will I break down and get my eyebrow pierced?)
Is this a function of age? Or am I King of the Nerd-people? I couldn't help but think of Josie Grossie in Never Been Kissed. You know, the scene where she goes to that bar where all the cool kids hang out, wearing wildly inappropriate clothing and only really getting involved once she's high as a kite?
If only I were down with the Mary Jane.
I went out with a friend the other night, and because we're two hip, happening guys on the cutting edge, we thought we'd check out a bar we'd never been to before. And since we've checked out all the gay bars in the city, we thought we'd go listen to some live music at The Tractor Tavern.
So, here's my dilemma. Have you ever felt more like an anthropologist and less (or not at all) like a patron when you go someplace new? I mean, I felt perfectly comfortable being there (the crowd was sort of neo-hippy, crunch enviromentalist). And the music was superb (the band describes it as "seismic gypsy hypno-jazz"). But I couldn't get into the swaying and the flailing of the audience, and I felt like the dispassionate observer of another culture. (Since when do audience members stand in perfectly straight lines before the stage, shaking like a preacher speaking tongues? Why is every man wearing a wool cap on his head? For that matter, did every girl there raid Nieka A.'s high school closet for those skirts? Should I be high to enjoy this? When will I break down and get my eyebrow pierced?)
Is this a function of age? Or am I King of the Nerd-people? I couldn't help but think of Josie Grossie in Never Been Kissed. You know, the scene where she goes to that bar where all the cool kids hang out, wearing wildly inappropriate clothing and only really getting involved once she's high as a kite?
If only I were down with the Mary Jane.
Here's a secret
Last night I watched the Rankin/Bass production of The Little Drummer Boy on The Family Channel. You know, the one with all the little clay characters? Narrated by Miss Greer Garson? (We're talking about the first one, NOT the ridiculous sequel.)
Anyway, I watched it, and I TOTALLY CRIED.
Don't tell anyone.
Last night I watched the Rankin/Bass production of The Little Drummer Boy on The Family Channel. You know, the one with all the little clay characters? Narrated by Miss Greer Garson? (We're talking about the first one, NOT the ridiculous sequel.)
Anyway, I watched it, and I TOTALLY CRIED.
Don't tell anyone.
Sunday, December 01, 2002
ma vie en rose
About Me
- Name: art
- Location: U.S. Outlying Islands
seriously, who advertises himself in this space? I am alternately loveable and cranky. Right now I guess we go with cranky.
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