Artful Scheme of Happiness

A delightful evening at home with the television...

My favorite tv show of all time, Project Runway, is a repeat tonight. (Oh don't even get me started.) So I am channel-surfing a little bit and VOILA, I run across a fabulous show on TBN (the religion channel where purple-haired Jan Crouch can usually be found crying about something or another) called One2One. (That makes no sense, but bear with me.) One of the cohosts of this new show? KIRK CAMERON!!!

So anyway, I am seriously concerned about what God has done to Kirk Cameron's hair.

Hilarious, right now he is teaching me that I am going to hell if I don't repent right now ... oops, I missed the deadline.

The one thing I don't get is why he and his male cohost are standing in front of the Golden Gate Bridge (talking about "fruit," might I add).

Seriously, One2One (or as I call it, 11 Squared) might be my NEW favorite show.

posted by art @ 9:11 PM

Keeping the "Jesus H. Christ!" in Christmas

Umm, apparently I CAN’T COOK. I thought I was good at it, really good even. I thought I could do just about anything in the kitchen short of rolling out my own phyllo dough. But apparently I have been misleading myself and others for many years now. I am a liar. Nice that the baby Jesus should choose this day of all days to reveal my ineptitude.

I mean, yes, there was that hint the other day, when I used oatmeal instead of bulgur wheat for my dinner. But I thought that was the exception rather than the rule. Wrong.

I have been trying all morning to make a friend’s chocolate mousse cake for Christmas dinner tonight, but it will NOT come together. I can make the crust just fine, but watching me try to make the chocolate mousse is like watching a hippo try to dance en pointe. We both crash around making messes of things and embarrassing everyone who’s forced to watch. For some reason, the egg whites won’t hold a stiff peak (where the hell is the cream of tartar?! I know I have some!). And whenever I try to add the melted chocolate to the whipped cream, the chocolate seizes and I can’t get it to relax. (I have, briefly, wondered if my friend omitted a step in the recipe, like tempering the chocolate or something.) Oh yeah, and every time I start whipping the cream, it sprays all over the kitchen and dining room. I finally wised up and finished it by hand, but I'm sure I'll be slip-sliding on whipped cream for many weeks to come.

I wish that I could just go to the bakery and pop for a store-bought cake, but waiting until the last moment has ensured that there’s no time for that. Sigh.

I wonder if my neighbors think that I celebrate Festivus and am practicing for the Traditional Airing of Grievances. Because all the swearing coming from my apartment would definitely make one think so.

Merry Christmas!! (And Happy Festivus, you bastards!)

posted by art @ 11:26 AM

The Pinnacle of Culinary Excellence

Last night I made a multigrain and bean casserole of sorts. I stewed up some millet, added some quinoa and threw in some bulgur wheat for good measure, then added garlic and butterbeans. And then I realized that I had been out of bulgur wheat for quite some time. So what did I add to my casserole? Steel-cut oatmeal.

Yes, I am a genius.

But it actually wasn't bad. (It wasn't good, but it wasn't bad.)

posted by art @ 10:55 AM

Update

Ack!! Has it really come to this? I'm reduced to giving a "life update" because I am so completely out of fun and fascinating stories for you? Have I turned into some sort of urban hausfrau? Eeek. Apologies in adavnce for the boredom of it all....

Nothing is really new. Life continues apace. Nearly fatal colds come and go. My house still stands, despite my fears that it will collapse and that I will be the poorest (because of my mortgage) homeless person ever.

I might be going to Alaska next week for work, for an unidentified period of time. There had been rumors that I would be going to the North Pole to help make toys during crunch time, but I'm much too tall for that to be true. (Plus, I'm just not sure that I would look very good in a felt hat and booties. Too much like that gay elf from the Rudolph series ... what was his name? Hermey?) Then it was announced that I would be going to Juneau, if in fact I go at all. Which prompted one of my friends to start making cracks about my work in a smelt cannery. He also told me to be careful not to run up my credit at the company store. Little does he know that I have spent weeks in small Russian fishing villages that have no stores at all (not to mention no electricity and only sporadic instances of running water). So Juneau, if indeed I do go, won't be too much of a shock to my system.

I guess I should get ready for work ... if I'm lucky, I'll see a whore on the bus and have something interesting to tell you next time.

posted by art @ 6:23 AM