Artful Scheme of Happiness

My Latest Political Statement

Eating fish is an act of environmental terrorism.

posted by art @ 12:28 PM

Let's get together ... yeah yeah yeah!

From Pollyanna to the Parent Trap and right on up to Saved By The Bell... is there anything Haley Mills CAN'T do?

Oh how I love days spent in pyjamas in front of the television, even if they are few and very far between.

posted by art @ 9:52 PM

Art Is Boring
further proof

You know, or maybe you don't because you're not part of the gay community, how at the beginning of a new relationship, it's a good idea for both of you to go and get tested for whatever diseases might be out there? Just so, if you're close enough to marriage that you decide sex might be appropriate, you can be sure that you're both healthy? Well. I went and got tested last week.

Now, first of all, why I thought going to the free clinic was a good idea is BEYOND me. The free clinic is where everyone who lives/works on Aurora (Whoraura) goes during the day. Anyway, so a friend and I went to get ourselves all tested up. We decide we're going to give fake names to preserve our anonymity. But then I felt compelled to give them my real address, and to confuse the issue a little further, I also gave them my former Landlord's phone number. And then I waited. And waited. Oh, and I waited.

When I was finally called into the testing room, I was called by a tiny little old grandmother of a woman. Must have been in her 70's. Just the kind of gal you want to relate your sexual history too. Though I am SURE she's heard everything.

"Have you ever had sex with a prostitute?" No.
"With a transgendered individual?" No.
"With clowns and midgets?" No.
"Animals?" No.
"Have you ever done this?" No. "That?" No. "This other thing?" Ahh, no.
Well, when was the last time you did this?" Never. "That?" Ten years ago.
"Uh huh."

This is the point at which I must have bored her because she changed course and started chatting with me about her vacation to Russia. I've spent my share of time in Russia, so we merrily chatted away, the sad little questionnaire lying unmarked on the table.

And then she took to groping and swabbing. That's the point at which she said, "you suppress your gag reflex very well." Thanks, Grandma.

"You should have your results in about a week, but ahh, based on your screening, I don't think you have anything to worry about." Nice.

And that's when I learned that the free clinic isn't actually free. They charge you on a sliding scale. But which way the scale slides is a bit of a mystery. My friend said he made more than I did but he was charged $30 less than I was. Maybe the scale slides the wrong way because they figure the poorer you are, the more diseased you're likely to be. Or maybe this was Grandma's way of saying, "don't waste my time, m*ther f*cker."

posted by art @ 10:58 AM