Oh, Balls!
Boise was neither as bad as I feared it would be, nor as fun as I hoped it would be. But it was a lot more boring than I ever thought it could be. If the bulk of your landscape consists of different shades of grey and tan, why do you pick dun-colored stone for your state capitol building? Oh well.
Nary a potato was served at the dinner. What's the point of going to Idaho if they don't greet you with a lei made from potatoes when you get off of the plane? Or at least serve one to you at the $200-a-plate dinner you've donned a BUTT UGLY tuxedo for? I was outraged.
The one really good thing I can say is that Boise has a great interactive room in the local art museum. I was able to draw on a chalkboard, make shapes using magnets, and fold delicate pieces of paper into mangled little cranes. So if you're ever in Boise....
Artful Scheme of Happiness
Friday, November 29, 2002
Monday, November 25, 2002
Size Queen
As any gay man will tell you, two inches can make a world of difference.
So, the 42L tux jacket was TOO BIG. As in, if I pulled the jacket tight around my waist, I was left with 8 inches of surplus fabric. Obviously I needed to get a smaller jacket. I went back to the dippy tux store and tried on a 40L. It wouldn't fit around my waist. Wait, what? A two-inch shoulder difference equals more than an eight-inch waist difference? Great, Calvin; that's just great.
After spending forty-five MORE minutes, I finally found a jacket that fit. So I won't look like James Bond, but neither will I look like Corky from Life Goes On. I'll just look like a cater-waiter. I think I may be able to live (for one night) with that.
Just Jack!
As any gay man will tell you, two inches can make a world of difference.
So, the 42L tux jacket was TOO BIG. As in, if I pulled the jacket tight around my waist, I was left with 8 inches of surplus fabric. Obviously I needed to get a smaller jacket. I went back to the dippy tux store and tried on a 40L. It wouldn't fit around my waist. Wait, what? A two-inch shoulder difference equals more than an eight-inch waist difference? Great, Calvin; that's just great.
After spending forty-five MORE minutes, I finally found a jacket that fit. So I won't look like James Bond, but neither will I look like Corky from Life Goes On. I'll just look like a cater-waiter. I think I may be able to live (for one night) with that.
Just Jack!
Tuxedo Junction
Confidential to the entire tuxedo rental industry: just because you wear a 42L jacket, you MIGHT NOT have a 42-inch waist!
Jiggles McPenguin
Confidential to the entire tuxedo rental industry: just because you wear a 42L jacket, you MIGHT NOT have a 42-inch waist!
Jiggles McPenguin
Sunday, November 24, 2002
Behind The Music
A propos of nothing, last night I had what I think may have been the strangest dream ever. (First runner up: the recurring dream I used to have in grade school, where Jenny H. and I were being chased down the yellow brick road by a dragon.)
Picture it: a playground (Pelz Park?), 2002. I was sitting with a bunch of my law school friends and we started to sing the latest version of the Minnesota fight song. The tune vaguely resembled Morning Has Broken, and the words went like this:
Coconut Valley!
Where our rice is fluffy on the inside
As well as the outside.
Because sometimes when it's fluffy on the outside,
It might still be crispy on the inside!
I AM the next Carole King. The Carole King of school fight songs.
A propos of nothing, last night I had what I think may have been the strangest dream ever. (First runner up: the recurring dream I used to have in grade school, where Jenny H. and I were being chased down the yellow brick road by a dragon.)
Picture it: a playground (Pelz Park?), 2002. I was sitting with a bunch of my law school friends and we started to sing the latest version of the Minnesota fight song. The tune vaguely resembled Morning Has Broken, and the words went like this:
Coconut Valley!
Where our rice is fluffy on the inside
As well as the outside.
Because sometimes when it's fluffy on the outside,
It might still be crispy on the inside!
I AM the next Carole King. The Carole King of school fight songs.
Friday, November 22, 2002
Belize Nabida
I was singing Christmas carols again last night, at the top of my lungs. (I bet that the neighbors thought cattle were being slaughtered in my living room.) And you know what I realized? I don't know any of the words. Sure, I can make my way through Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer just fine, but Joy to the World? No. Silent Night? No.
Then I remembered the time that I sent my sister an e-mail full of what I thought were the lyrics from Salt -N- Pepa's classic hit, Push It. I got those all wrong too.
I feel like Eddie Murphy. Wookin' pa nub.
I was singing Christmas carols again last night, at the top of my lungs. (I bet that the neighbors thought cattle were being slaughtered in my living room.) And you know what I realized? I don't know any of the words. Sure, I can make my way through Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer just fine, but Joy to the World? No. Silent Night? No.
Then I remembered the time that I sent my sister an e-mail full of what I thought were the lyrics from Salt -N- Pepa's classic hit, Push It. I got those all wrong too.
I feel like Eddie Murphy. Wookin' pa nub.
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
Tainted Love
I am starting a new crusade. Are you with me? I'd like to secure your participation before we discuss the actual specifics.
Thank you for your support.
My (our) new crusade is against actors. Remember the good old days (we're talking 15th century here), when acting was immoral? Well, I think we should regard acting as immoral again. Then actors wouldn't need to be famous, we wouldn't need to hear about their private lives, and they wouldn't need to dangle their infant children off hotel balconies in order to prove how much they love our attention.
In my world, Ben Affleck would not be the sexiest man alive. He'd just be an attractive man. (Did People mean that he's the sexiest famous actor alive who hasn't yet topped their list?) Sean P. Hayes could be as gay as he wanted to be, and no one would give two hoots. Roseanne (post-Roseanne) would not exist. Star Jones could teeter back and forth on stiletto heels all she wants and no one would have to know.
Are you beginning to get the picture? Perfect heaven.
Now we just have to come up with a plan. I'm thinking the Pope might want to be involved somehow.
I am starting a new crusade. Are you with me? I'd like to secure your participation before we discuss the actual specifics.
Thank you for your support.
My (our) new crusade is against actors. Remember the good old days (we're talking 15th century here), when acting was immoral? Well, I think we should regard acting as immoral again. Then actors wouldn't need to be famous, we wouldn't need to hear about their private lives, and they wouldn't need to dangle their infant children off hotel balconies in order to prove how much they love our attention.
In my world, Ben Affleck would not be the sexiest man alive. He'd just be an attractive man. (Did People mean that he's the sexiest famous actor alive who hasn't yet topped their list?) Sean P. Hayes could be as gay as he wanted to be, and no one would give two hoots. Roseanne (post-Roseanne) would not exist. Star Jones could teeter back and forth on stiletto heels all she wants and no one would have to know.
Are you beginning to get the picture? Perfect heaven.
Now we just have to come up with a plan. I'm thinking the Pope might want to be involved somehow.
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
Mean People Suck
I tried to help a friend set up his DSL yesterday. This was a case of a blind man (woefully allergic to seeing-eye dogs) leading a deaf, dumb and blind man. Things went along rather smoothly, if slowly (like, five hours of slow). With all of the expected bumps and calls to tech support. But we finally got everything installed and working, so no damage, right?
No. HE GOT MAD AT ME! Because it took too long, because his DSL outlet was installed in the wrong place (by the telephone company), because I agreed with his suggestion that he get a Computers for Dummies book (he doesn't even know how to turn the thing off). And because I got four chicken strips in my KFC $2.99 chicken strip meal instead of the regulation three. That meant that I was "always getting all the good things" because I'm so attractive, whereas he gets spit on by babies at circuses.
Word to the wise: don't ever help other people. They'll just be mad that you did.
I tried to help a friend set up his DSL yesterday. This was a case of a blind man (woefully allergic to seeing-eye dogs) leading a deaf, dumb and blind man. Things went along rather smoothly, if slowly (like, five hours of slow). With all of the expected bumps and calls to tech support. But we finally got everything installed and working, so no damage, right?
No. HE GOT MAD AT ME! Because it took too long, because his DSL outlet was installed in the wrong place (by the telephone company), because I agreed with his suggestion that he get a Computers for Dummies book (he doesn't even know how to turn the thing off). And because I got four chicken strips in my KFC $2.99 chicken strip meal instead of the regulation three. That meant that I was "always getting all the good things" because I'm so attractive, whereas he gets spit on by babies at circuses.
Word to the wise: don't ever help other people. They'll just be mad that you did.
Friday, November 15, 2002
Kissing Babies
I met a friend and his six-month old nephew for coffee yesterday. And let me tell you, we put the STAR in Starbuck's. I got to show off my incredible babysitting skills, the kid got to flirt with the other customers, and we both got to look as cute as a bug's ear! It didn't hurt, of course, that I was wearing the infamous Blue Shirt of Utter Perfection and the kid was wearing Oshkosh B'Gosh togs.
He didn't cry even once, or scream or fuss. He just smiled and laughed and looked as adorable as possible. And lots of attractive men admired us.
So where can I hire a cute baby to lug around?
I met a friend and his six-month old nephew for coffee yesterday. And let me tell you, we put the STAR in Starbuck's. I got to show off my incredible babysitting skills, the kid got to flirt with the other customers, and we both got to look as cute as a bug's ear! It didn't hurt, of course, that I was wearing the infamous Blue Shirt of Utter Perfection and the kid was wearing Oshkosh B'Gosh togs.
He didn't cry even once, or scream or fuss. He just smiled and laughed and looked as adorable as possible. And lots of attractive men admired us.
So where can I hire a cute baby to lug around?
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
Answers Sought ... my letter to the Oshkosh Northwestern
Dear Mr. Zellmer,
I was wondering if your recent article on Radina Pehl and her daughter was some sort of hoax. If not, I have some questions.
How can someone be diagnosed with cancer and not be aware of it? Did the doctor release this information to the mother of an adult patient? Wouldn't that be unethical? And, assuming that a doctor did so, does Ms. Foshee have CANCER, which is in all cases malignant, or does she have a TUMOR, which may be benign or malignant? I ask because apparently Mrs. Pehl believes that the "cancer" is malignant "by now."
I personally am hoping for a follow-up article telling me that Ms. Foshee has been found and that her potentially life-threatening, potentially malignant cancer has been cured. In the meantime, I hope and pray that you will be able to answer my questions.
Sincerely,
Artful Scheme
Lifelong and ARDENT Northwestern reader
Dear Mr. Zellmer,
I was wondering if your recent article on Radina Pehl and her daughter was some sort of hoax. If not, I have some questions.
How can someone be diagnosed with cancer and not be aware of it? Did the doctor release this information to the mother of an adult patient? Wouldn't that be unethical? And, assuming that a doctor did so, does Ms. Foshee have CANCER, which is in all cases malignant, or does she have a TUMOR, which may be benign or malignant? I ask because apparently Mrs. Pehl believes that the "cancer" is malignant "by now."
I personally am hoping for a follow-up article telling me that Ms. Foshee has been found and that her potentially life-threatening, potentially malignant cancer has been cured. In the meantime, I hope and pray that you will be able to answer my questions.
Sincerely,
Artful Scheme
Lifelong and ARDENT Northwestern reader
What the hell, over?
WHY, oh WHY, do I read the Oshkosh Northwestern? WHY?!?
How can the school officials (read: churchy do-gooders) at Oshkosh West have been DUPED into putting on a musical based on the BIBLE? Has no one pointed out that this might be WRONG? Or, at the very least, in violation of certain Constitutional principles we (should) hold dear?
Garbage in , garbage out!
WHY, oh WHY, do I read the Oshkosh Northwestern? WHY?!?
How can the school officials (read: churchy do-gooders) at Oshkosh West have been DUPED into putting on a musical based on the BIBLE? Has no one pointed out that this might be WRONG? Or, at the very least, in violation of certain Constitutional principles we (should) hold dear?
Garbage in , garbage out!
Perhaps the most intriguing Oshkosh Northwestern Headline EVER
Missing daughter sought
Doesn't it just leave you DYING for more information?
Well, don't expect that actual ARTICLE to provide that information. Does the Northwestern hire MORONS to write stories? Do people in this country still speak English? How can someone say that cancer is 'probably malignant by now?' Did the cancer start out benign? And why would the police "drop" an arrest warrant just because someone is sick? This whole thing just screams HOAX.
Missing daughter sought
Doesn't it just leave you DYING for more information?
Well, don't expect that actual ARTICLE to provide that information. Does the Northwestern hire MORONS to write stories? Do people in this country still speak English? How can someone say that cancer is 'probably malignant by now?' Did the cancer start out benign? And why would the police "drop" an arrest warrant just because someone is sick? This whole thing just screams HOAX.
My big pink butt
I was all set to write a diatribe against Miss Manners (you know, how she chaps my ass), and then she comes across with today's advice, which I found to be the first good advice she's ever offered. So I guess I'll shut up.
I was all set to write a diatribe against Miss Manners (you know, how she chaps my ass), and then she comes across with today's advice, which I found to be the first good advice she's ever offered. So I guess I'll shut up.
Monday, November 11, 2002
You oughtta be in pictures
I'm totally bored right now, and even reading about beautiful France has not perked me up! What's a guy to do?
Make plans to go to a charity ball in Boise over Thanksgiving, that's what! It's the Festival of Trees Gala! I don't so much care about Christmas trees or anything, but who wouldn't want to dress up and party the night away in Boise? I'm there, yo.
I'm totally bored right now, and even reading about beautiful France has not perked me up! What's a guy to do?
Make plans to go to a charity ball in Boise over Thanksgiving, that's what! It's the Festival of Trees Gala! I don't so much care about Christmas trees or anything, but who wouldn't want to dress up and party the night away in Boise? I'm there, yo.
Thursday, November 07, 2002
Takashi's beating on his gong
You know what I'm dying to say to somebody (anybody) right now? "G*d, Betty, you're like a goat."
You know what I'm dying to say to somebody (anybody) right now? "G*d, Betty, you're like a goat."
What is to be done?
Two days ago, my cat friend climbed up the tree outside my window to try and get a better look into my room. Then he FELL OUT of the tree. Dazed, he walked away. Today my cat friend was walking across my window ledge and he FELL OFF. This, of course, breaks my heart. Do you think the cat has balance issues? A drinking problem? I thought cats were supposed to be sure-footed.
Two days ago, my cat friend climbed up the tree outside my window to try and get a better look into my room. Then he FELL OUT of the tree. Dazed, he walked away. Today my cat friend was walking across my window ledge and he FELL OFF. This, of course, breaks my heart. Do you think the cat has balance issues? A drinking problem? I thought cats were supposed to be sure-footed.
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
Rain, rain
Yay, it's finally raining! I feel like I should run around outside and try to catch the first raindrops of the season on my tongue. But don't they say that the first raindrops are extra polluted? So I won't do that. Plus, you know, I'd get soaked.
Instead I am sitting inside on my bed, wearing a hat on my head so I don't catch cold. Kitty is standing outside on my window ledge, mewing (PLEADING) to get in. But I'm not falling for that. The poor thing is filthy, so I won't be bringing it inside. I think it should take this opportunity to run around outside and lick raindrops.
Yay, it's finally raining! I feel like I should run around outside and try to catch the first raindrops of the season on my tongue. But don't they say that the first raindrops are extra polluted? So I won't do that. Plus, you know, I'd get soaked.
Instead I am sitting inside on my bed, wearing a hat on my head so I don't catch cold. Kitty is standing outside on my window ledge, mewing (PLEADING) to get in. But I'm not falling for that. The poor thing is filthy, so I won't be bringing it inside. I think it should take this opportunity to run around outside and lick raindrops.
Monday, November 04, 2002
In the market for a new eye cream
First, the unsolicited rejection e-mail, NOW THIS. AARP has sent me a membership card. What? Would I officially qualify as the youngest member in AARP history? Has my moisturizing regime let me down? Do I look aged and cross after all those years of studying? Do they assume that, because I am retired, I am also elderly? Where do they compile all these strange mailing lists; I need to OPT OUT.
I've gotta run, I'm going out with my cane to whack any youngsters who stray into the yard looking for lost frisbees and kickballs. That'll teach those hooligans to mess with my lawn! I think I can act with curmudgeonly impunity now that I have the voices of twelve million retired people to back me up.
First, the unsolicited rejection e-mail, NOW THIS. AARP has sent me a membership card. What? Would I officially qualify as the youngest member in AARP history? Has my moisturizing regime let me down? Do I look aged and cross after all those years of studying? Do they assume that, because I am retired, I am also elderly? Where do they compile all these strange mailing lists; I need to OPT OUT.
I've gotta run, I'm going out with my cane to whack any youngsters who stray into the yard looking for lost frisbees and kickballs. That'll teach those hooligans to mess with my lawn! I think I can act with curmudgeonly impunity now that I have the voices of twelve million retired people to back me up.
Friday, November 01, 2002
Crazy Sexy Cool
if I've been sitting on my bed, whistling Christmas carols at the top of my ... well, lips ... for the past hour, does that mean that I am crazy?
I have had TOO MUCH leftover Halloween candy today. The good news (for me) is that there were NO trick-or-treaters last night, so ALL of the candy is leftover. The bad news is that I am going to have to meet with Jenny Craig on Monday morning in order to restructure my lifestyle.
if I've been sitting on my bed, whistling Christmas carols at the top of my ... well, lips ... for the past hour, does that mean that I am crazy?
I have had TOO MUCH leftover Halloween candy today. The good news (for me) is that there were NO trick-or-treaters last night, so ALL of the candy is leftover. The bad news is that I am going to have to meet with Jenny Craig on Monday morning in order to restructure my lifestyle.
Speaking of Blair
You know what I don't say enough? Grody.
RATBASTARD and I were out in the back yard today, picking up more fallen apples. (The apples were grody to the max, by the way.) And who should wander by but my old friend Kitty One-Eye?! I thought there would be some sort of cat-fight (no, literally), but RB and Kitty One-Eye seemed to know each other. Which is good because Kitty One-Eye can't afford to be in any more fights, if you know what I mean.
I live in a neighborhood of colorful and ultra-friendly cats. It's too bad cats are grody.
You know what I don't say enough? Grody.
RATBASTARD and I were out in the back yard today, picking up more fallen apples. (The apples were grody to the max, by the way.) And who should wander by but my old friend Kitty One-Eye?! I thought there would be some sort of cat-fight (no, literally), but RB and Kitty One-Eye seemed to know each other. Which is good because Kitty One-Eye can't afford to be in any more fights, if you know what I mean.
I live in a neighborhood of colorful and ultra-friendly cats. It's too bad cats are grody.
ma vie en rose
About Me
- Name: art
- Location: U.S. Outlying Islands
seriously, who advertises himself in this space? I am alternately loveable and cranky. Right now I guess we go with cranky.
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