Artful Scheme of Happiness

Hmmmm

OK, so I sent in my stupid application to NYU. You can all start calling and e-mailing them now with your pleas that they waive the normal "high grades" requirement and LET ME IN.

posted by art @ 9:24 PM

For the Love of God

I'm headed off to the peninsula today, for a day of fun and frolicking, rainbows and clovers. (And moons and stars and all the other Lucky Charms marshmallows EXCEPT the new, post-1980 ones.) I do this secure in the knowledge that my personal statement is the most wretched conglomeration of random words ever strung together by man.

I see that it will be a very good day.

posted by art @ 8:14 AM

SUCKAZ

OK, it's the crack of dawn on a blue and sunny Friday morning. And for some INSANE reason, some bastard is out mowing his lawn with his souped-up, Tim-Taylor, extra-high-volume, god-damned lawnmower. WHY? Is your mother-in-law coming to visit today with her white gloves and hedge trimmers? Do you delight in waking those who desperately need ever last second of beauty sleep they can get? Are you on DRUGS?

To retaliate, I plan on singing Lady Of The Harbor at the top of my lungs tonight. The concert will be given on my front porch. It will start promptly at 3:45 a.m. Admission will be free. No cats will be allowed. Encores (Climb Every Mountain, Edelweiss, and the Battle Hymn of the Republic (topical)) will be considered.

posted by art @ 9:08 AM

Look Up

I love how, because I mentioned rats and rat traps and mice in my last post, the advertisement above is for rodent and pest control. These people are really on the ball! Now what if I had let it drop that I am an aging transexual porn star with an addiction to heroin and chocolate? THEN what would the ads be for? (We're hopefully about to see.)

posted by art @ 1:56 PM

Good news and bad news ... and gross news

The good news is that we caught the rat last night.
The bad news is that it was a mouse.
The gross news is that mice don't do well in rat traps.

Well, but luckily it was a huge mouse, so it's not like the thing was cut clean in two.

posted by art @ 8:13 AM

Actual Excerpt From My LLM Application Personal Statement

Keep in mind that this is a work in progress:

I ate bologna sandwiches for lunch every single day in second grade.

I'm not sure whether it's a keeper or not, but it sure is TRUE! Good times, Jim, good times.

posted by art @ 1:12 PM

Felicitiations

A very merry 1/4 Christmas to you and yours! I must go now, to wait by the door for my presents.

posted by art @ 7:58 AM

And the Oscar goes to ... my mother!

I don't make a point of watching the Oscars. I have to admit that I think it's a little ridiculous that actors, already too-well compensated, give themselves awards and then televise it. (Genius marketing ploy though. Can you imagine the popularity of accountants if they would just televise a little trumped-up pat-on-the-back-a-thon?) Last night I flipped past just long enough to see the segment where they pan down the rows of Oscar winners, announcing their names and the movies for which they've won, while the audience claps politely for each. I love presentations like this. It makes my blood stir. I feel all patriotic. I start thinking that maybe I should go to a movie, maybe one starring Olivia de Havilland or Julia Roberts. (Confidential to JR: red hair = good / orange hair = bad.)

So like I say, I was watching this presentation, screaming and clapping loudly when Haley Mills' name was called (POLLYANNA! ... the best movie ever), and all of a sudden they cut to my mother! Well, at least I thought it was my mother. Shirley Jones looks EXACTLY like my mother. I'm starting to wonder if she IS my mother, in a "silver fox" wig and an exceptionally matronly gown. It really makes you think, doesn't it?

posted by art @ 9:09 AM

Inter Alia

I've spent the morning watching with teary eyes the bombing of Iraq, listening to the terrified ABC reporter describe, in his young and wavering voice, what was going on in Baghdad. It has left me speechless.

posted by art @ 12:19 PM

Vital Security Information

It is your patriotic duty to read this new, important information on what to do in case of an emergency.

Sincerely, General Disarray

posted by art @ 11:44 AM

rassa frassa

Do you ever have days when your mashed potatoes don't turn out as well as you hope they will?

posted by art @ 8:10 PM

I am coffee's bitch
A few random things about my life

On my birthday, of which I have had too many, someone told me that he had the perfect guy with whom to set me up. When asked why (by his own less-than-sure-of-this-whole-thing boyfriend), he said that this guy was a lot like me, and then ticked off a few reasons. Including that my new boyfriend is "obsessed with his hair." I'd like to vehemently disagree, but I'm not sure that I could do so in good faith. Dammit!

In other news, my roommate is on vacation in Hawaii this week. Since he's gone, the RAT that lives somewhere in our habitrail of a basement decided to reappear. (Rat traps seem to serve more as a feeding system than a deterrent, fyi.) So far it has consumed a total of one banana. I am thoroughly freaked out and am considering moving into the backyard to live in the cluster of bamboo. Maybe I will even import some pandas to serve as my bodyguards/evil minions. And they shall issue forth to do my bidding .... I'd like to say that Kitty Mews-A-Lot has volunteered his services (his real name is Ratbastard, after all) to rid the world of this nefarious rodent, but all Kitty seems to be good for lately is me-y-hello-ing at my window in the morning.

Every time I drink a cup of coffee, I start dry-heaving like a hungry pregnant woman. For hours afterwards! Do I stop? No. C'est la vie, mes amis, c'est la vie!

posted by art @ 11:30 AM

Can you keep a secret?

Well, I can't. Today is my birthday. Each and every year I plan for MONTHS, trying to figure out how I can keep the whole thing quiet. (My pesky family makes this dream an impossibility, but I plan nonetheless.) The goal, I suppose, is to have everyone FORGET my birthday, so I get a whole lifetime's worth of, "Remember that year when everybody forgot my birthday? I do. Could you please get me a glass of water?" But you have to realize that, even if I knocked off every member of my family, I'd still be around to ruin it for myself. How did I turn into such a blabbermouth? Who knows.

So far, the tally is this: my sister sent me a present (Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies -- I hope you all have siblings who love you that much) and an e-mail, my brother called at the crack of dawn, my friend Phil sent me a card, my friend JLo sent me a mysterious e-mail wherein she referenced other good news but kept quiet about the only topic really on my mind today, and my sometime friend Kitty Mews-A-Lot, who hasn't been around lately, came to my window to mew a lot at me. Sort of a good birthday, and all before 9 am!

In other birthday news, I am currently enjoying a pot of rich, delicious coffee. Yay!

posted by art @ 9:09 AM

Wha?!!?*?

Is it really that time again?

posted by art @ 12:01 AM

We'll teach them to disrespect the sisterhood!

If you're wondering what I've been doing lately, I can tell you. I've been glued to my television, watching the fascinating Sorority Life on MTV. Follow it up with a little Fraternity Life chaser, and you'll be in heaven too!

posted by art @ 3:54 PM

I am a Nike commercial

Let's be serious for just a moment here. Now that I'm a runner, wouldn't I be great for a running shoe ad? Dedicated asthmatic risks life, achieves goal of running over one mile. (One mile, FOUR LAPS, not all at once.) They could show footage of me straining around the track to a not-so-hip dance beat (something from Richard Simmons latest dance video series), then cut to me lying in a puddle, gasping for breath, wearing some dowdy old Reeboks or something. Then STAR FADE, picture me wearing a jazzy new running suit (a la my family traveling across country), brand new bright white Nikes, zipping around the track, smile on my wet face. (Dedicated asthmatic runners don't mind the rain.) By "zipping," I mean my patented flashy combo of running and staggering and trying to push the cartilage back into my knees. But it's the SMILE, people, THE SMILE.

Who WOULDN'T race out to get a pair of sneakers after they saw that ad? It's pure advertising genius.

posted by art @ 12:56 PM

Van Gogh was here, and all he had to eat was egg salad

Why do priests, when they see my big white forehead coming at them in line, think it would be dandy to smear a big dark blotch onto it instead of an appropriately tasteful "I'm a happy Catholic" cross? I look like I've been pelted with charcoal briquets by mean children with remarkably accurate aim.

If I were a priest (and believe me, someday I hope to be), I would draw dainty little wear-all-day crosses rather than hideously deformed smudge-off-as-soon-as-possible "railroad accident" crosses.

Amen to that, sistah!

Oh, ALSO, did anyone else watch the inimitable Miss Lynda Carter co-host The View this morning? I am STILL IN LOVE!

posted by art @ 5:27 PM

HAPPY ASH WEDNESDAY

No meat for you!

posted by art @ 12:25 AM

I know this doesn't seem important to you... BUT

do cats snore? I think they do.

posted by art @ 12:25 AM

Uh oh

Are cats' pupils supposed to be two entirely different sizes? Or is Cinnamon about to attack me?

posted by art @ 6:09 PM

Damn me all to hell!

Well, they caught me. They came to the door and I was sitting in the kitchen in plain view. OH how I LONGED to just keep on sitting there, exasperating them in their wily Mormon ways. But I just couldn't. Too polite or something.

But I do have a question now that I've turned them away. How do you get to be an elder in the Mormon church when you're obviously under 20 and you have an acne problem worse than almost any I've ever seen? And WHERE do they get those shoes? Holy Star Jones, they were bad!

Oh, Mormons, will I ever understand you?

posted by art @ 4:34 PM

Today I am a man

I've left the peaceful and hassle-free environment in which I normally live to house-sit for a beloved aunt and uncle this week. It's my job to feed the cat, and also to consume all the food they've left in the house. I'm doing an admirable job of the latter, and the cat seems to have disappeared, so I'm not concerned about the former. (I have a week to find it.)

My main concern today seems to be avoiding Mormons. They're circling the neighborhood, all dressed up in their tacky suits, knocking on doors and educating people. But I already have a religion, thank you very much, so I'm trying to stay out of sight. I'm also imagining all of the fun things I could say if they did catch me unawares. Oh, the fun I have when I'm all alone!

posted by art @ 4:27 PM